just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
