look no pants
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
