wat bout pragnant strippers??
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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