She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
