She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
