Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
