How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
