??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
