you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
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