"it" just moved
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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