I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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