I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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