Well apparently he's into motor boating.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this beer tastes like vomit already
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
