i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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