Soap is not a condiment
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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