What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
