His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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