Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
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I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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