the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
