I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
