I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
