Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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