Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
