Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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