Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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