Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
