she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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