Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
