Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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