Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My breasts were aching with rage.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
