The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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