ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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