Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
