Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
