"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
