I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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