Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
