Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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