I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
