So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I need to align my fucking chakras
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
