you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
