By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
