dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
