are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
