I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
