Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
