I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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