Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
