What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
