Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
