I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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