i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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