don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
