i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
