I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
