UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
