We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
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Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
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