We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
