dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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