tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
